Lately I have been getting a lot of negative attention on social media regarding some of my parenting methods. I thought this would be a good time to really explain what I mean by respectful parenting. What are some of the respectful parenting methods that we use in our home? Why are so many people bothered by this parenting style? Hopefully this article will be able to address some of this!
The Basics of Respectful Parenting
So what exactly do I mean when I say “respectful parenting?” To me, this simply means respecting my children as people. This means allowing them to be themselves and make their own choices. This means that my goal is not to control them or turn them into mini versions of myself.
The goal of most mainstream parenting styles is obedience. This is gained by controlling children in some way. This could be through bribes, punishments, or even rewards. The goal is to have children that “behave” and “listen.” Usually this is based, perhaps even subconsciously, on what others think.
Respectful parents tend not to care all that much what others think of their parenting methods. The goal with respectful parenting is to guide our children in a safe and loving way, and help them to become the person they are meant to be without our interference or control.
Parenting without Arbitrary Rules
One thing I notice with many other parents is that they set arbitrary rules for their children, such as specific bedtimes or how much they can eat, or how long they can watch TV. In my home, there are certainly boundaries, but they are never arbitrary.
What I mean by this is that the rules in my family for the most part apply to everyone. For example, we all clean up our own messes as is appropriate. Obviously the babies are too young to fully understand this, but we show them how to help. My 6 year old understands that if she makes a mess she must clean it up (although of course if she makes a mess by mistake and needs help I will help her). Just the same as the adults in the home. Everyone chips in.
My older daughter doesn’t have a set bedtime. Since she doesn’t attend school, there is no certain time she needs to be up in the morning. For the most part she has a regular sleep/wake cycle, but this came about by allowing her to go to bed when she’s tired. Just as the adults in the house go to bed when they are tired. Of course if we have something to be up early for, we all go to bed earlier.
Allowing children to take part in setting boundaries also helps. Children tend to cooperate much more with rules that they themselves were involved in making.
Related – https://eschooled.com/controlling-your-anger-as-a-parent
Manners are Not Forced
This one really seems to rub people the wrong way. When I tell people I don’t force manners, they assume that I am raising little monsters that will end up in jail one day! Honestly, these are the types of comments I get. What nobody seems to hear is the word “forced.” I never said I don’t TEACH manners. There is a difference.
You can check out my article on how to teach manners without forcing them here!
My kids absolutely learn manners, mostly from me! I believe it’s more important to model empathy and kindness rather than to get hung up on certain words. I will never force my kids to say certain words just to satisfy others who expect them.
This means you will most likely not hear respectful parents prompting their children to “go say sorry” or asking “what’s the magic word?” To me, this comes across as condescending. I try hard not to speak to my children in a way that I wouldn’t want to be spoken to.
Respectful Parenting – Treating Kids as Human Beings
So many adults seem to think that children are somehow lesser human beings than adults. Many assume that adults and older people deserve respect simply based on their age. I believe that respect goes both ways. Children are no less deserving of respect than adults. Often we need to give respect in order to be respected.
This is a great tool that I use to “check” if my parenting is in line with my beliefs. Oftentimes when talking to my children I ask myself if I would talk the same way to my grandmother. It’s a great way to see if I am being respectful to my kids! Many adults are used to naturally showing respect to older people in their family. Respectful parenting means showing that same level of respect to children.
Related – https://eschooled.com/gentle-parenting-mistakes-and-how-to-avoid-them/
Remember, no child asked to be born. They do not “owe” anything to parents or adults for their existence on this earth. Babies and children are full human beings deserving of the same rights as all humans. They should not be discriminated against simply because they happen to be children.
Children Really are More Capable Than You May Think!
Part of respectful parenting means stepping back and allowing kids to learn and work things out for themselves. Believe it or not, children really don’t need as much adult interference and direction as many people think. Many times it is just best for adults to step back and wait to see if children can handle a situation themselves. So many times, the certainly can!
This is why even with my older daughter, I try never to interfere unless she needs me. At the park, with playdates, when she is trying to figure something out. Adults really need to step back and allow kids to learn things themselves a lot of the time.
This also goes for making decisions. Respectful parenting means trying our best to allow our children to make their own decisions and be supportive. Children are capable of choosing what to wear, how much to eat, how they would like their hair, which toys they want to share and which are too special, etc. Even when going to shop for new clothes or a toy, I step back and allow my children to choose for themselves as much as I am able.
Respectful Parenting Means Discipline Without Punishment
When I tell people that I don’t punish my children, they usually assume that means my children are undisciplined. This is simply not true. Discipline means teaching, and I most certainly teach my children right from wrong. I teach them the values that are important to me. I do not, however, use punishments to teach my children.
Sometimes this means that I allow natural consequences to happen. Other times it means I will sit down and discuss the issue with my children. The goal is to raise my children to understand empathy, to be kind and caring, and to do these things because they care, not because they fear a punishment. Teaching cause and effect is a much better method for many reasons.
The same goes for rewards. We don’t do any rewards or sticker charts. Again, I don’t want to teach my children to do things because they will get something out of it. In my family we all work together and respect each other because it’s the right thing to do, period. This is what I teach them.
Hopefully this helped explain what I mean by respectful parenting and why I practice it in my home. I hope some of these ideas can work in your family too!
