Today we are going to talk all about controlling your anger as a parent. I know kids really have a way of pushing our buttons like no one else can, but I promise, it’s not as hard as you may think to control your anger and stop getting mad at your kids. If your goal is to stop yelling and find more constructive ways to discipline your children, I’m here to help you!
So let’s get started!
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Controlling Your Anger as a Parent #1
The first important thing that you need to understand if you want to work on controlling your anger as a parent is that your child is not making you mad. I know that may be a hard pill to swallow, but it’s the truth. Other people might do things that you find upsetting, but you are the ONLY person who can control your reaction. And you absolutely CAN control your reactions. It takes practice, but the more you realize that you are in charge of how you react to any situation, the easier it gets to stay in control.
Let me give you an example. Let’s say you asked your child to use a sippy cup, but they insisted they could use a big kid cup, and inevitably, they spilled their drink all over the living room carpet. Is it upsetting that they didn’t listen to you? Sure. But you are 100% in control of how you react to the situation. You can let your emotions take over, start yelling and saying “I told you so”. Maybe even punish your child. But I PROMISE there is a better way.
If you keep control of your emotions and respond in a calm way, you might actually be able to teach your child something for the future. You can calmly explain that this is why you prefer they use a sippy cup in the living room, and practice with a big kid cup in the kitchen. You can say let’s clean this up together. Remember, we ALL make mistakes. Showing grace to your children will go a long way to creating a better, more harmonious relationship.
Understanding Your Triggers
The next thing you need to understand as a parent when learning to control your anger is that many of the things that trigger us have to do with our OWN childhoods. So if you get really angry when your child says “No” to you, that could be because you were punished for saying No to your parents when you were a growing up.
We might not remember these situations, but they are in our subconscious. So when you start to identify your triggers, and you realize that they have less to do with what your child is doing and more to do with your own experiences as a child, it really helps to shift your perspective.
Check out these Parenting Books for more helpful tips!
The Way Society Views Children
The next important thing you need to understand if you want to learn to control your anger as a parent, is that the way society views children is all wrong. You really need to be willing to have an open mind and hear me out. If you look at the average parent, the average adult, you will see that they view children as somehow less than adults. Children are not supposed to argue with adults. They aren’t supposed to voice their opinions if those opinions contradict their parents. Children should be obedient and follow rules without question.
If you buy into these beliefs, it’s easy to find all sorts of reasons to be mad at your kids. But the truth is, children are human beings, with their own thoughts and opinions, and they should be able to give voice to those thoughts and opinions. A child is not bad for doing so. You can teach them and encourage them to do this respectfully, by modeling for them healthy ways to disagree.
You need to accept this truth and not view it as an insult if your child questions you or disagrees with you. It’s nothing to be mad about. It’s just an opening for you both to have a healthy discussion, one where you don’t get mad and start yelling. Speak to your children calmly and respectfully the same way you might if another adult disagreed with you, such as your boss or partner. When you learn to view children as no less than any other person, you find less to be angry about.
Controlling Your Anger as a Parent – Connection
By far the most important parenting “practice” is simply to connect with your child. This means spending quality time with them, doing things you both enjoy. It means talking and laughing and having fun together. Really listening to them and hearing what they have to say, and caring about the things they care about.
The more of a connection you have with your child, the more harmonious the parent child relationship will be. When your relationship is based on connection, you will find there are a lot less reasons to get angry with your child. They just won’t do as many things that push your buttons, because they are getting the connection they so deeply crave. They don’t need to “act out” to get your attention.
Related – https://eschooled.com/how-to-get-along-better-with-your-kids/
Controlling Your Reactions
Something that can really help you take charge of your own reactions to things that your child does is to remember to always take a pause whenever you feel yourself getting upset about something. In that small pause is your opportunity to choose how to react. Do you choose anger and yelling? Or do you choose connection, and communication?
If you take that moment to pause and you find that you’re still feeling angry, that’s your cue to take a few moments to step away and calm down. It’s perfectly ok to communicate this to your child. Remember, there’s nothing wrong with feeling angry. All feelings are valid. It’s how we choose to react to that anger that matters. Sometimes we need to step away before we can address the situation calmly.
Modeling How to Deal with Conflict
When you’re working on how to control your anger as a parent, it can be helpful to look at it this way. Whatever way YOU react to conflict is how you are teaching your KIDS to respond to conflict as well. So if you react by yelling, you are teaching your children to react to feelings of anger by yelling.
If you choose to react in a more positive way, you are teaching your children this as well. Remember, it’s OK to feel angry. It’s all in how we deal with those feelings of anger. It’s such an important life skill to teach our children healthy ways to deal with anger, and there’s no better way to teach this than by learning to control your own anger as a parent.
When they see that you can talk calmly even if you’re feeling mad, when they see that sometimes you need a few moments alone to calm down, they learn that this is how to deal with angry feelings. This is so much better than teaching them to slam doors, yell and scream, or ignore the person that they’re angry with.
Understand That We All Get Angry Sometimes
Finally, no matter how hard you work on controlling your anger as a parent, you will inevitably make mistakes. We are all human, and not one of us is perfect. It’s perfectly ok to show your humanity to your children. Sometimes we get angry and yell. Don’t beat yourself up over that.
What matters maybe even more than controlling your anger is admitting when you were wrong. So if you get so mad that you end up yelling at your kids, that’s ok! Just remember to apologize to them once you’ve calmed down. It’s so good and healthy to show your kids that we all make mistakes. Apologizing to your kids shows them that it’s not their fault that you got angry. It shows them that when we make mistakes, we apologize for those mistakes. It keeps you connected and your relationship strong.
I hope this list will help you to better learn to control your anger as a parent. As always, feel free to reach out to me with any questions!
