Attachment Parenting Twins

So maybe you’ve heard of attachment parenting, and possibly even practiced some or all of the main principals with your other children. You might know how beneficial this parenting style can be, especially in those early months. But what about with twins? Is attachment parenting really possible with two babies instead of just one? The answer is yes!

Before having my first daughter, I had never even heard of attachment parenting. I didn’t do any research or reading on parenting styles prior to giving birth. All my attention was devoted to learning how to care for a baby and “keep them alive” as my husband would say. I knew nothing about babies, being an only child myself, and the first of my circle of friends to be having a baby. I was a total newb!

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Before becoming a parent myself, I figured there wasn’t much “parenting” being done in those early months of life. I imagined the only thing I needed to worry about was making sure the baby was fed, healthy, clean and cared for. Boy how wrong I was!

*** While attachment parenting mainly focusses on the early months of a child’s life – the natural progression is sometimes referred to as gentle or respectful parenting. Read my blog post here!

It wasn’t long until I realized how many different ways of thinking there were about how to care for babies. So much of the advice given to me seemed wrong and went against my motherly instincts. So much of what I read in bits and pieces in popular books or on the internet just didn’t sit right with me. It was then that I decided to do some research myself on the subject.

That’s when I stumbled upon the idea of attachment parenting. It resonated with me because much of it was what had felt natural to me already. I was so glad to know there were so many others out there who felt the same way and cared for their babies accordingly.

Suffice to say we practiced attachment parenting with our older daughter, and had no intention of doing anything differently with the twins.

Can you really practice attachment parenting with twins?

The answer is yes, absolutely. Some aspects of this parenting style may be harder, but some of the attachment parenting principals actually make caring for twins easier. As with any parenting style, it isn’t meant to be followed rigidly. You may not follow all of the principals, and some may work better for your family than others. But you definitely can practice attachment parenting with your twins!

When learning about attachment parenting, my go-to book was The Attachment Parenting Book by Dr. Sears. In it he describes seven tools for attachment parenting referred to as the Baby B’s. Although I know there are many materials out there now to describe this parenting style, I really like how he breaks things down. The following is a list of Dr. Sears attachment parenting tools as I apply them to twins.

First Principal of Attachment Parenting – Birth Bonding

This principal refers to the first few hours and days right after birth. This is an important time to really bond with your new baby. Some people call it “nesting in.” It’s a very special period of time for parents and other children to welcome the new addition to the family. What makes this harder with twins is obviously that there are two babies. So how can you make it work?

In my experience, unfortunately, my son was sent to the NICU right after birth, so my bonding with him was delayed. I was able to do some kangaroo care with his twin sister right away, and she took right to breastfeeding within minutes after birth. Because of having had a c-section, I was unable to visit my son until many hours later when I was able to stand on my own.

So how did we handle this? Well luckily there were two of us, so my husband went with my son to the NICU and spent those first crucial moments with him. As soon as I was able to visit him, I also did skin to skin time with him and attempted to interest him in nursing (although ultimately it took him a bit longer to catch on).

It was hard with the twins being on different floors of the hospital, but we spent as much time as we could with both of them, holding them, feeding them and caring for them. We really took the time to get to know them as individuals. We had our older daughter at the hospital as often as possible. Although she wasn’t allowed in the NICU (due to restrictions at our hospital during flu season), she was able to meet and bond with her new baby sister.

Hopefully you will be lucky and get to have both of your twins in the hospital room with you right away. But no matter how things play out, all you really need to do is spend as much time with each twin as possible. Take turns with your partner so that you get equal time with each baby. Include your older children and allow them a chance to bond with their new siblings. Don’t be afraid of them getting hurt – it’s so important to let sibling bonds develop early!

In a way I guess, having my twins separated in the first couple weeks was a blessing in disguise, as it really gave us that time to bond with each baby separately. If you are lucky enough to have the two of them together right from the start, just make sure they are getting that individual attention they need and crave. And of course, spend quality time all together as a family!

Breastfeeding on demand with twins

This is another challenge with twins. I knew from the start that my intention was to breastfeed my twins, for many reasons, not the least of which was saving money on having to buy formula for two babies! This also did not start the way I had hoped. With my son in the NICU on a strict three hour schedule, nursing, especially on demand, was pretty near impossible.

I breastfed my daughter who was in the room with me, and luckily that went amazingly well. For my son in the NICU, I pumped as much as I could. When I was there for his feedings, I always started by trying to get him to latch for a little while. Then we would feed him the breast milk I pumped, and formula after that if necessary.

Eventually once they came home we got into a rhythm of feeding on cue, which we are still doing now at four months. Schedules just don’t work for our family, so we feed them when they are hungry (although in the early weeks we would wake them up if they slept too long, per doctor’s orders). At night I feed them when they wake up, individually. The only time I tandem nurse them during the day is if they happen to both be hungry at the same time. I try to avoid that as much as possible.

For me this actually makes the whole breastfeeding twins thing a lot easier. I was going crazy when I attempted to implement a schedule (per the recommendation of a lactation consultant I hired), and I am so glad I didn’t force myself to keep at it. Allowing them to nurse when they are hungry, separately, gives me that special one on one time with each baby, and makes it less stressful for everyone.

Attachment Parenting Twins – Babywearing.

This was one of my favorite things to do with my older daughter. I had a bunch of different types of baby carriers and wraps, and I wore her in them a lot. It was great to be able to have her close to me while still getting things done, and she loved being in them.

I will be honest, babywearing with twins is entirely different, and not always easy. You can wear one at a time, but if the other twin needs tending to or nursing, then you might find yourself upsetting a baby who is dozing peacefully. You can wear them both in one carrier designed for twins. There are a few options for this, some even designed for newborns. They aren’t bad, but having two babies to carry around instead of one really limits what you can get done in them, and puts a strain on your back as they get bigger. Their weight just isn’t centered like it is with one baby.

This is one of the attachment parenting tools that I had to let myself off the hook a little bit on with the twins. I am just not crazy about the twin carriers enough to use them that often, at least not at this age. It’s awkward to get the babies in them, especially for how long I am able to keep them on. I find it easier right now to carry around whichever twin is awake as much as possible just by holding them in my arms. This makes it easier to put them down if I need to attend to the other twin, without upsetting them by removing them from a carrier. You don’t have to be using a special baby carrier or wrap to make this practice work. Just hold your babies as much as you reasonably can.

When my husband is home I will use the baby carriers and wraps designed for one baby and just wear one baby at a time while my husband tends to the other baby. If we go for a walk outside, we each wear one. This works a lot better for us than one person trying to wear two.

Remember you can also make use of whatever time you spend sitting (although I know with twins, there might not be much of that time!) Hold them as much as you can when you are relaxing. I found having one on the couch in a boppy lounger next to me helped. I could hold one while still being able to touch and interact with the other.

This topic has a lot of controversy around it, so let me start by saying this. Bed sharing and co-sleeping are different. Bed sharing involves having your babies in the same bed with you. I do not practice this with newborns. Eventually, when the babies are big enough and I feel comfortable, we will have them in our bed. But for now, we are practicing co-sleeping instead.

Co-sleeping is just having the babies close to your bed. Our sleeping arrangements right now involve having two “co-sleepers” that can attach to the bed. At first we had one on my side and one on my husband’s side. Now that they are a bit bigger, they are both on my side of the bed, one attached to the bed and one a few feet away. They take turns on who is right next to Mommy. At night I try to keep the baby who is more likely to wake up first in the bassinet closest to me.

What is Co Sleeping and Why I Practice it With My Kids

No matter what setup you have, the point here is that you have your babies close to you at night. In the same room and close to the bed. Everyone sleeps better this way. It’s safer for the babies to be in the same room, and this practice shouldn’t be that much different with twins as it is with one newborn. However, if you are planning to bed share with your twins, you will obviously need a big bed!

Responding to your baby’s cries

To me, this is the most important practice of attachment parenting, and that’s what makes it so hard having twins. Sometimes they are both crying at the same time and you are alone and just can’t help them both at once. It’s stressful and frustrating, especially for someone who wants to practice attachment parenting. I worry about letting one of my twins keep crying while I am helping the other one. Then again, I think that worrying so much about this means I am doing something right. Never “letting them cry” on purpose is a definite step in the right direction, even if sometimes they have to cry for circumstances beyond my control.

One thing I try to do is make sure they can hear my voice. I keep talking, even if I can’t get to them right away because I am in the middle of changing a diaper, or just getting one twin settled to sleep. If they are both hungry, as much as I don’t like having to do it, I will tandem nurse them. If one is hungry and the other is just fussy, I set up on the couch and nurse one baby while the other baby is next to me in a baby lounger that I keep on the couch for this purpose. This way I can interact with the other twin, even if I can’t fix what’s wrong just yet.

This is also the one time where the twin baby carrier has been a big help for me. When they are both overwhelmed or tired and I just can’t settle them, putting them both in the carrier and walking around the house has definitely helped to soothe them.

There will be times both twins are both really crying and you just can’t help them both. My advice in those times is breathe and don’t panic. I have found that they only really ever cry that much when they are tired or hungry. So feed them and if that doesn’t work, get them to a dark quiet room right away. As long as you are there and doing your best, that’s creating that secure attachment they need. You don’t necessarily need to fix the problem, just so long as you are there.

Keeping the balance

This attachment parenting tool can be difficult with twins. This is all about making sure to care for and make time for yourself. With newborn twins at home this is often very difficult! Most days I find it hard to make time to even get my teeth brushed! But things have gotten better as time has gone on and our days have taken on a certain sort of rhythm. It’s very important to take care of yourself. You aren’t going to be able to take care of anyone else properly otherwise.

If you are finding yourself run ragged you aren’t going to be able to be the best mom to your twins. You have to take care of yourself first. If you aren’t eating well and getting enough sleep, that will affect your ability to nurse. If you are stressed and on edge, two babies screaming at once might be hard to deal with rationally. You can’t take good care of anyone else unless you take good care of yourself first. This is perhaps the most important principal of attachment parenting, and parenting in general.

So how do you make sure you are taking good care of yourself and keeping the balance in your life when you have twins? Well, for me, the most important thing has been getting enough sleep. As much as I may not want to, I try to get to bed when the babies go to bed. This way I get as much sleep as possible, especially since for me right now, naps during the day aren’t really possible.

I also try to make sure to take the time to shower and take care of my appearance when my husband is home. Being clean and dressed in actual clothes (not just pajamas and sweats) makes me feel better about myself.

Try to make some time for yourself to get out of the house too, even for a date night once in awhile. I know for attachment parents it can be hard to leave the babies in the care of anyone else, but once in awhile you need to take a little break. You twins will be better off for it.

The Dreaded Baby Trainers

To me this last bit of advice from Dr. Sears is definitely one of the most important, and the one that I really needed to know I wasn’t on my own with. If you think this kind of advice is hard to avoid with one baby, it is so much worse with twins. EVERYONE will be talking about “getting those babies on a schedule”, and there is a ton of advice on the internet about sleep training twins. It’s unavoidable.

Needless to say, we won’t be doing and of that in our house. I can’t even imagine why anyone would want to. Forcing babies to do things that go against their natural tendencies seems to do nothing but cause a ton of undue stress for everyone in the family. And I have to tell you, with twins, going with the flow works so much better. We have not tried to do any scheduling of any kind, and by four months our babies have settled into a nice natural pattern that leaves some wiggle room so we aren’t slaves to the clock. And forget about sleep training. We will have the babies in the room and/or bed with us as long as they need. Right now they need a bit of rocking to get them to settle down at night, and that’s just fine with us. Who doesn’t love rocking a baby to sleep?

It’s funny, so many people avoid practicing attachment parenting because it seems too hard. With twins, it must seem next to impossible. But the reality is, at least in my family, practicing attachment parenting makes life with twins a whole lot easier. By responding to your babies cries you begin to learn about their needs which leads to less crying overall. Sleeping with your twins close to you can only help make nighttime parenting easier, and allow you to get more sleep overall. Feeding on demand and resisting any urge to create a schedule makes the days flow much better and allows a natural pattern to emerge. And forget about “cry it out” – I could never do that to any baby.

Have you been practicing or plan to practice attachment parenting with your twins? I would love to hear how it’s working for your family!