Have you ever found yourself telling your kids “if you don’t stop that right now we’re leaving!” or “If I have to ask you to clean your room one more time, you’re not going to the birthday party this weekend”?
Most parents have found themselves throwing out threats like this to get their kids to listen at least once in awhile. Many might not even realize they’re doing it! But when you’re threatening kids to get them to listen as a parenting tactic, it’s time to take a look at what actually happens when we use threats to control behavior in kids.
May contain affiliate links.
Prefer to watch the video version? See Below!
Why Threatening Kids Works in the Short Term
When we throw out a threat to get our kids to do something (or stop doing something) it often works at the time. It forces children to take a moment to think about what they might lose if they don’t do as you say. If they stand to lose too much, they will likely fall in line quickly.
Related – https://eschooled.com/positive-parenting-tips-every-parent-should-know/
Are they doing this because they realize their actions were wrong and they want to do the right thing? Most likely not. When we use threats with kids, such as threatening to take away something the child treasures, or telling them they won’t be going to that birthday party they were looking forward to, it forces them to think selfishly. They want to go to the party, they don’t want to lose their favorite toy, or tablet, or whatever else. So they comply in order to avoid having that negative thing happen.
Related – https://eschooled.com/how-to-get-kids-child-to-listen/
Unfortunately, when many parents see that threatening kids to get them to listen actually works, they fall into a pattern of using threats as their primary method of getting their kids to behave. This often results in worsening behavior.
Why Using Threats on Kids Ends up Backfiring
When we constantly use threats as a way to control our children’s behavior, we get kids used to behaving for selfish reasons. They leave the park calmly because they don’t want to lose their tablet. They stop crying because they don’t want to miss the party. They clean their room because they don’t want to have to go to bed early.
Related – https://eschooled.com/how-to-discipline-a-toddler-without-punishment/
When kids behave only for fear of losing out on something, they are thinking in a selfish way. They are doing something (or not doing something) because they want what’s best for them. They weigh the pros and cons of not listening, and determine that what they might lose out on is worse. And so they listen.
Eventually, you can see how your kids will get used to needing there to be some reason to do what’s right. If you tell them it’s time to leave the park and they say “no” – they know they can continue to stay at the park, run away from you, make a scene or whatever else, unless you threaten something that sounds worse to them than having to leave the park. You have taught them that they don’t have to be nice or listen to their parents UNLESS there is a risk of losing something.
Empty Threats are Even Worse
Even worse than threatening something that you actually intend to enforce is to threaten something that you can’t follow through on. Kids learn very quickly that their parents aren’t actually going to carry out their threats, and this can cause kids’ behavior to really get out of control. Threatening kids to get them to listen with empty threats is just not a good idea!
It makes sense if you think about it. Let’s say you’re running late and your child is refusing to cooperate and get dressed to leave. You might say “if you don’t get dressed right now, you’re not getting breakfast” or something like that. But are you really planning to starve your kid? Probably not. So what happens if your kid decides they don’t really care about not getting breakfast, so they still don’t come? Well, you might have to threaten something even worse! But what if it’s something you can’t actually follow through on?
Related – https://eschooled.com/how-to-get-along-better-with-your-kids/
Some common empty threats parents make:
- “If you don’t come right now I’m leaving without you”
- “Get in the car right now or you’ll have to stay home alone”
- “If you don’t get your suitcase packed now then we aren’t going on vacation”
- “Don’t make me turn this car around!”
There are endless examples.
The problem here is that the parent knows they can’t or won’t enforce these threats. The parent is hoping that the threat will be enough to change their child’s behavior. It often is. But kids eventually learn that their parents aren’t actually going to follow through on any of this. And once they figure that out, it can be very difficult to get your children to listen.
What Parents Can Do to Get the Behavior They Want Without Threats
If threatening kids to get them to listen isn’t a good idea, what can we do instead? While there are many options out there, here is what I suggest.
- Always set expectations ahead of time, and repeat them often, until they are just a part of life. Examples include leaving somewhere when Mom or Dad says it’s time, keeping a clean room, putting toys away when finished, putting dirty dishes in the sink, etc.
- Come up with limits that you can (and will) calmly enforce. Make sure your child understands that there will be consequences to their behavior BEFORE it happens, and be fully prepared to carry out the consequence. Have your child help to come up with fair and meaningful consequences. Use these as teaching tools.
- Empathize with your child. It’s not fun to leave the playground, cleaning up toys is boring, etc. Make sure your child understands that you are on their side, and ask what you can do to help.
- Be consistent. A big problem with threats is that a child sometimes doesn’t know if the parent will follow through or not. When you decide to choose a different approach, stick with it.
- Model the behavior that you most want to see in your child. This is one of the most effective parenting tools you have so make good use of it!
- Don’t set your kids up to fail! Taking them somewhere when they are tired or hungry or not feeling well is not the best idea. Always have drinks and snacks on hand, and a plan if your young child might miss their nap (like leaving the house a little earlier so that can catch a short nap in the car).
- Focus on connection over correction. The more you really connect with your child, the more they will respect you and WANT to do the things that please you.
- Give kids a choice. Kids who feel powerless are more likely to act out. For instance, if it’s nearing bedtime and your child doesn’t seem ready, ask if they would prefer to stay up a little later and skip stories, or go to bed on time and have story time. Little things like that really help!
Hopefully this helped explain why threats aren’t the best tools to use when trying to get your children to cooperate, and what you can do instead of resorting to threatening your kids! I’d love to hear your thought so leave a comment!
