Recently I posted some videos on social media where my twins have taken toys from each other. I get a lot of comments from people asking why I don’t make them share. Today I thought I would it would be a good idea to explain why I don’t force my kids to share, and how we can teach kids sharing without forcing them.
Young Kids and Sharing Don’t Mix
As much as parents and other adults like to see kids sharing, young children don’t necessarily want to share. Toddlers don’t really have the ability yet to empathize with another child. They see a toy they want and they take it! Simple as that. The other child gets upset and maybe they will try to get it back. Sometimes, if the other child cries, the first kid will end up giving the toy back. As much as we’d like to believe that kid is being nice, young toddlers are likely acting on much more simple impulses. Until they are closer to 3 years old, they just don’t have the ability to really grasp the importance of sharing.
With twins or children close in age, this type of scenario occurs often. Even if you have two of the same thing, children often want whatever they see another child with. Their instinct is just to go grab it. This is not because they are being mean or a “bully” as some people on social media have referred to my kids. It’s simply because their little brains have not developed enough yet. They are not intentionally being mean. They just see something that they want and take it.
As parents, we don’t like to see our kids fighting. Many parents also want to make sure their kids “play nice” with others. So we want to teach our kids about sharing. But as I have said in other posts, teaching and forcing are two very different things. We can teach our kids sharing without forcing them to share. But we need to manage our own expectations. Teaching kids to share takes time, and until our kids are a little older, we need to accept that they just aren’t naturally inclined to share.
If you want to read how to teach manners without forcing them – read my post here!
Why Forcing Children to Share Doesn’t Work
Listen, I get it. I really do. It can be embarrassing when you’re around other parents and your kids don’t want to share. Nobody wants to look like a bad parent. Nobody wants their kids to come across as brats or bullies. But forcing your kids to share just for the sake of appearances is a bad idea. If you force your kids to share when they don’t want to, you are teaching them that their own instincts are wrong. You are teaching them that whether or not they want to, they have to share their things. If they are younger than 3, remember that they don’t fully understand the concept of sharing yet.
What about if your kid is trying to take something from another child? Obviously we can’t allow our kids to go up and take something from another kid. This is the type of action we should be preventing. This is the teachable moment. If Johnny tries to take Sally’s toy, Johnny should be told no. Sally should not have to share. The problem is, many parents would see this happen and then force Sally to share her toy because another kid wanted a turn. No child should be forced to share anything that belongs to them. If a child is using something, they shouldn’t have to give it up until they are done. Whether or not this upsets the other child is irrelevant. Learning to wait and be patient is a valuable life skill.
Think about it – as an adult, nobody can force you to share your things. We have a choice of which things we share with others and which we don’t. If someone wants a turn with something we are using, they must wait until we are done. Children should be given the same courtesy, especially since it’s much harder for them to understand what sharing is all about!
Teach Kids about Sharing by Modeling
One of the best ways that parents and other adults can teach children about sharing is by modeling the behavior that we want our kids to learn. This is especially important for the younger ones. Children learn so so much just by watching what parents and caregivers do! One of the best ways to teach kids sharing is by sharing with them. Sharing our food, modeling sharing during play and sharing things with other grown ups are all great ways to teach children about sharing without forcing anything.
You can see this in action with young children and food. Often times toddlers will offer their food to others (whether we want it or not!) This is an example of a behavior that kids learn without having to be forced.
A great way to teach kids not to grab things from others is by not grabbing things from them. Lets say your toddler takes the tv remote and you don’t want them to have it. Grabbing it from them teaches them to grab things. Instead, try putting your hand out and asking nicely. Many times this is all you need to do. If they still won’t give up the object, try finding something fun to trafe them for it. Practicing this teaches children to ask nicely for things as well.
What if Another Kid Won’t Share with Your Child?
Sometimes you will find yourself in the situation where another kid doesn’t want to share with your child. Perhaps this will happen on a play date or at the playground or even between siblings. When another parent is involved, you will often hear them tell their child to share. This is when I usually say “it’s ok, she doesn’t have to.”
If I won’t force my kids to share when they don’t want to, I certainly won’t force someone else’s child to share. This is teaching my kids that it is ok not to share if you don’t want to, but also teaching them to be ok with disappointment. The good news is, as kids get older, they learn on their own that it makes others happy when they share, and most times they do! When kids start to make friends and play together, they learn that it’s more fun when you share. At the same time, they should have the ability to choose which of their belongings to share. They should also understand that they can play with something until they are done, and then another child can take a turn.
Related – How to Potty Train a Toddler Without Training!
How to set your kids up for success
Here are some tips to make learning to share a bit easier for your kids
- Before a play date, ask your child if there are any special toys that they would rather not share and put them away
- Teach your child to wait their turn without setting arbitrary time limits
- Allow your child to play with their toy as long as they like, and explain to the other child that he can play with it once your child is all done
- Allow kids to share on their own – it’s so much better when kids figure these kinds of things out for themselves. In most cases it will happen if we just step back a bit and allow it!
- Remember each child is different – some will share more easily than others and that’s ok!
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