Hi everyone – today I am taking a moment to talk about a topic that I think about often – how to teach good manners to kids without forcing them. In my family we never force manners, but that doesn’t mean good manners and kindness aren’t important! I hope this article will help explain what I mean by “not forcing manners” and what we do to teach good manners in our family instead!
View the video version here!
Why We Don’t Force Manners
I don’t know about you, but when I was growing up, one of the things I hated most was when an adult would say things like “what’s the magic word?” or “what do you say?” I especially didn’t like being forced to “say sorry” and apologize for something without having a chance to do so on my own. I was a shy kid, and I also really hated if a stranger somewhere would give me a compliment and then I was told “say thank you!” by a grown up.
As a mom, one of the things I try hard to do is to avoid subjecting my kids to things that really bothered me or made me uncomfortable as a child. This is especially true when it comes to bodily autonomy which I wrote a separate article about. But it is also really true for forced manners.
As an adult, I hear parents forcing manners all the time. I’ll hear parents forcing kids to say please and thank you, and to say they’re sorry, whether the child wants to or not. I always wonder, if you feel the need to force your kids to say certain things by rote, how can you be sure they are actually learning anything about kindness or empathy? They might sound polite when they say these things, but do they really mean it?
How to Teach Good Manners Without Forcing Them – Saying Thank You
This is something that I know is super important to many parents. Having your kids say thank you whenever they receive a gift, compliment, or kind gesture makes them seem polite and well behaved. The problem with this approach is that you aren’t necessarily helping your children to learn about being grateful – you are just teaching them the response that society expects from them. With this method, you may have well behaved kids that say a polite “thank you” at all the appropriate times – but are they ACTUALLY thankful? How can you tell?
I knew since my daughter was born that this was a practice I wasn’t going to be able to follow. I am a very polite person myself and say thank you to people all the time. The thing is, I do it genuinely. I actually care to show my gratitude to others for their kindness. I don’t just say it because it’s expected and want my kids to feel the same.
So what do I do in those awkward moments when a stranger tells my daughter she has pretty hair, or when the nice nurse at the doctor’s office gives her a book to take home? Do I turn to my daughter and say “tell the nice lady thank you” or worse “what do you say?” Nope! Never have I said these things. I simply say “thank you” to the person myself. This way I model the behavior that is expected without making my child feel uncomfortable. Sometimes I will get the adult who still stares at my child in expectation of the same utterance, but I just smile and ignore it. It is not my child’s job to satisfy an adult’s ego.
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When you think about it, what does saying “thank you” really mean? Hopefully to most people it means that you are grateful. For the kind gesture, for the compliment, for the gift (even if it wasn’t what you wanted). Teaching gratitude is so important. That’s why I don’t need to hear any certain words to be satisfied. When I see the joy on my child’s face, when I see their smile, when they throw their arms around me, that’s more than enough. I know they are thankful because I can see it. They’ll figure out eventually that people like to hear the words “thank you” but I am never going to force it.
Read my related post on How to Get Your Child to Listen!
Teaching Manners to Kids – The “Magic Word”
This is by far the most condescending thing I hear parents say to kids! When adults feel that kids should say please, why on earth do they say “what’s the magic word?” It seriously makes my skin crawl.
Of course we want to teach our kids to be polite. Nobody wants to raise little brats who go around making demands and expecting to be waited on hand and foot. And let’s be honest, sometimes kids can be downright lazy. But do you really think they can be taught to be kind and polite by forcing them to say “please” before or after every request they make? Is there really some magic to this word that I’m missing?
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I want my kids to be polite and kind just like any other parent. But I don’t need to talk down to them like this in order to convey my message. As I said before, modeling the manners that society expects goes a long way towards teaching our kids how we would like them to behave. We can talk and talk until we’re blue in the face, but our children learn much more from what they SEE us do than what we TELL them to do.
So of course, I say please to others out of politeness, especially when we are in public. But I never ever request that my kids say these specific words. All I ask for is kindness.
Think about it this way. If your child wants a snack, is it rude for them to say “mommy, can you get me a snack?” in a nice voice? Do they really need to tack “please” on the end for their request to be honored? Or conversely, if your kid says “MOOOOOOOMMMMMMM, get me a snack!” – does adding please at the end make it any less rude?
I’m all for kindness and politeness, but I don’t get why so many people are hung up on hearing kids say “please” before any of their requests are honored. It seems so condescending to me that we as a society treat kids this way. How would you feel at a restaurant if the server came to take your order and you said “I would like the Salmon” and they responded with “what’s the magic word?” It would be ridiculous. Of course I usually say please in these situations because I’m used to it, and so I am modeling this for my children. But is it really that rude just to leave off this one word?
Related Article – Teaching Kids Sharing Without Forcing!
Forcing Kids to Say Sorry
This is by far the most important to me – never ever forcing my kids to say sorry, or apologize for something if they don’t want to. Above all, I want to teach my children empathy for others. This means that I want them to actually FEEL sorry when they have done something wrong. Only then will an apology have any worth (and I don’t need the words “I’m Sorry” to be part of that apology.)
This was something that always really bothered me as a child. If I somehow upset an adult, I was forced to say I was sorry, even if I wasn’t! It made me so mad! Eventually I mustered up the courage to utter those words, whether I meant them or not, cause that was the only way to get back on my parents’ good side. It just never made any sense to me why people needed to hear those words so much even when I didn’t mean them.
As a parent, I never want to hear my kids say they’re sorry unless they actually feel sorry. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. I don’t want my kids to think that saying sorry means anything at all unless it comes from the heart. I don’t want them to get the idea that saying sorry is some sort of a magic fix all that will get them out of trouble in any situation.
In my home, I teach my kids that sorry is more for accidents. Like if you bump into someone by mistake, or accidentally step on someone’s toe. That’s when you say “sorry” and get on with it. You might feel bad, but it’s not a situation that warrants a true apology.
When my kids have actually done something hurtful to another person, of course I want them to apologize, but I want it to come from the heart. I want them to be sincere in their apology, and it makes little difference to me what their choice of words may be. When someone’s apology is genuine, you can feel it. I also make sure to model this by apologizing to my children for my own mistakes. No human is perfect, least of all me. My kids need to see that adults make mistakes too, and that they have the humility to apologize for them.
So when my daughter genuinely hurt my feelings the other day, I could tell how sorry she was. She hugged me, she had tears, she felt so sad that she had made mommy feel bad. I don’t remember whether or not she said the words “I’m sorry” and it doesn’t matter to me. It’s what’s in the heart that counts, not the words that we say.
Hopefully this article helped clarify what I mean when I say that I don’t force manners with my kids. I don’t mean that I don’t teach kindness and politeness – I just do it in a different way than what I’m used to seeing!
