This is such a common complaint that I hear from parents all the time – how can I get my kids to listen? Why won’t my children listen to me? What can I do to get them to listen without losing my temper or yelling? It’s a tough one.
Respectful parenting can sure be hard, and no one is perfect. However, I have found that many of the ideas I’m sharing with you below really do help to get your kids to listen better to what you say, and follow the rules and boundaries that you set for them. It’s all about connection, and learning to see things from a different point of view. Hopefully some of these ideas will help you!
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The Goal of Getting Your Kids to Listen
First let’s talk about what your expectations and goals are as a parent. Sometimes, when our children don’t seem to be listening to us, it may be that our expectations are too high, or not age appropriate. This is especially true for younger children. It’s really important that you understand where your kids are developmentally. What’s a reasonable request for a 7 year old might not be reasonable for a 5 year old, and so on.
Getting your kids to listen to you ultimately means getting them to pay attention. You want them to hear your words, take in what you are saying, and respond accordingly. For example, if you are trying to talk to your toddler about not throwing his toys, your goal is to get him to stop throwing toys. Are you expecting him to listen once to your talk and then never throw another toy? That is not likely to happen after one talk.
Understanding your child’s ability to pay attention to and process what you are saying based on their age and development can really help. If you understand and accept that young children are unlikely to completely stop doing the behavior after just one talk, you are managing your own expectations. This will help everyone get along better. So make sure you aren’t expecting too much too soon!
And for older kids, you really need to make sure that what you’re asking is reasonable and necessary. Sometimes parents throw out arbitrary rules and requests without really thinking them through. So it’s important to make sure you’re willing to explain and stand behind the limit you’re about to set before you risk getting into a power struggle about something that wasn’t even that important to begin with.
How to Get Your Kids to Listen By Framing Your Requests in the Positive
This is a neat little trick that works well for anyone in life, not just kids. Positive requests get so much more attention and responsiveness than negative ones. Nobody likes hearing what they can’t do, what they are doing wrong, what they are not supposed to be doing. Think about how you would feel if your boss, spouse, friend or partner was constantly telling you what not to do, and all the things you were doing wrong! You would most likely feel terrible, dig in your heels, and maybe even do the exact opposite of what they wanted.
For example, let’s say your child keeps jumping on the couch and you want them to stop. You could angrily shout out “stop jumping on the couch!” Or, instead, you could calmly say “the couch is for sitting, please jump on the floor” (or outside or wherever it’s appropriate). This isn’t some magic formula that will instantly get your child to stop jumping and follow your request. But it’s definitely a step in the right direction. Your child didn’t hear “No!” to what they were doing, they heard what they should be doing instead.
What if you are taking your child to visit someone at their home? You likely want to make sure your kids are on their best behavior when they visit someone else’s house. Maybe you will have a talk on the way over in an effort to make sure your kids aren’t going to run wild at Auntie Sam’s house. You might be tempted to list out all the things that your kids can’t do once they get there.
Instead, why not try explaining all the things that they CAN do there. For instance, instead of saying “you are not to run and jump in her house” say instead “when we’re at your Aunt’s house, let’s only walk and play quietly. You can play with the toys we brought. We can run and jump around later outside.”
Every statement, every request, has either a positive or negative side to it. Try always framing things in the positive side of things, and your children will start listening a whole lot better.
Related Article – How to Get Along Better With Your Kids!
Make Sure You Have Your Child’s Attention
Sometimes the problem we have as parents is that we expect to have our child’s full attention whenever we ask for it. I’ll bet, like me, you can’t say the same for yourself all the time. How many times has your child had to work to get your attention because you were focused on something else (perhaps your phone)? Children are no different. In fact, their attention is sometimes much harder to get.
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If you want your kids to be able to listen to you, make sure they are paying attention. Don’t just interrupt them in the middle of highly focused play, or their favorite tv show. Respect that their interests are important to them. If you really must have the talk right then, be respectful and ask if they can take a moment away from their play or pause their tv show so you can have a quick chat. If you’re out in public, don’t just shout at them from across the playground. Go over and gently get their attention before making your request.
Keep talks simple and straightforward, especially for younger children. They are not going to be able to process long, drawn out, complicated adult conversation. Make simple requests, set rules and boundaries that make sense to your child, and ask them if they understand. A lot of times, a child will appear to be listening, but that doesn’t always mean they are actually processing what you are saying to them. So take the time to make sure your message is understood.
Get Your Child to Listen By Setting Expectations Ahead of Time
I can’t tell you how many times I have had to deal with my child having a meltdown in a store because I forgot to do this one simple thing. I forgot to have a talk before we went and explain what I expected during the outing.
Again, this does not mean telling my child all the things that they aren’t allowed to do. It means explaining what behavior is expected, and how we are going to be in the store. For example, if we are headed to the grocery store, I will have a little talk beforehand. I will explain that we are going to walk through the aisles calmly, that we will only touch things we intend to buy, and that my child may choose one snack or treat that’s not on the list. So whatever expectations you may have, explaining them ahead of time, and framing them in a positive way, really helps children to behave the way you would like them to.
If you forget to do this, how can you really expect them to know that it’s not ok to go running down the aisles, grabbing everything they can, and begging for a bunch of snacks and candy? Then you find yourself shouting no, telling them all the things they aren’t supposed to be doing, and probably making threats of what’s going to happen when you get home, or leaving all together! We’ve all been there, but none of us wants to have a shopping trip that ends in disaster.
Invite Cooperation By Including Yourself
Something I have found that really helps a lot is saying “we” and “let’s” instead of “you.” When you include yourself, it makes it much easier for your kids to listen and cooperate.
For instance, if you are having that talk about how you want the shopping trip to go, try saying “we will only buy one snack” or “we will walk calmly around the store.” This fosters connection, you are now a team, and you are working together to have a great experience.
When there’s something you want your child to do, such as get ready for bed, or clean up their toys, saying “let’s” really helps a lot too. When you are trying to get your kids to listen, including yourself can have a lot of power. So instead of saying “time for bed, go brush your teeth and pick a story” try saying “it’s bedtime now, let’s go get ready!” A simple change of wording, said in a happy tone of voice, can really work wonders.
Even if your child made a huge mess, giving them a little help can really get them to learn about cooperation, and it helps with your connection too. Always try to remember that children are not mini adults. They process things very differently in their growing brains. Giving them a little bit of help isn’t a bad thing.
Have a Fun, Playful Attitude With Your Kids
Life is meant to be enjoyed, and that goes for parenthood too. It’s not supposed to be all about barking orders and feeling stressed when your kids won’t listen to you. If you want to know how to get your child to listen, start by being a bit more like a kid yourself.
The more positive energy that you give off, the more you will receive back from your children. Play with them, be silly, make things fun. When there’s something you really want them to do, why not make a game out of it? Doing things together and having fun builds that all important connection with your child, and kids who feel a strong connection with their parents are naturally better at listening and respecting their parents’ rules and boundaries.
This also means not being so strict with punishments. With respectful parenting, we don’t do punishments at all. Getting your children to listen simply out of a fear of what will happen if they don’t will not build that all important connection. You will be grateful that you took the time to truly connect with your children while they are young. This way, they will be comfortable turning to you as they get older, even with the difficult things.
If your child is digging in their heels and refusing to follow a request that you have made, try being silly. You may be surprised how much better your children will react to silliness than sternness.
Be Reasonable About Your Requests
As I’m sure you have heard before, sometimes when you and wondering how to get your kids to listen to you, you need to choose your battles. If you are constantly correcting their behavior and telling them what to do, you are going to invite rebellion. So take the time to think about how important your request really is. Sometimes parents throw out arbitrary requests simply because our parents said the same things to us. But is the world going to end if you let your child have a snack before dinner once in awhile? Will you still have a happy home if your child’s bedroom is never quite clean? Really taking the time to decide what rules and boundaries are most important to your family is crucial.
When you learn to relax some of the unnecessary rules and limits, you will see that your kids are starting to listen better. When they aren’t being controlled and ordered about every second of their day, when they are given a bit more freedom, they will actually end up having more respect for the important rules that you have in your family.
Make Sure You are Listening to Them
And finally, if you want your kids to listen to you, make sure you listen to THEM. So many parents expect compliance out of children but have no respect for the boundaries their children set. If your child makes a reasonable request, try to honor it. If your child is talking to you, put down your phone and really give them your full attention. If your child doesn’t want a hug or to be tickled or asks you to stop doing something, respect their wishes. Children learn so much more from what we DO than what we SAY. So if you want your kids to listen to you, make sure you aren’t being contradictory with your own actions.
Respect goes both ways, and I talk a lot on here about respectful parenting. Parenting isn’t about tips and tricks, or finding methods that work. Parenting is a relationship. When you look at it that way, then you must see that whatever you expect from your children shouldn’t be any more than what you give to them. Give respect, give kindness and understanding, give grace and empathy, and you will have a relationship where your kids will want to listen to you and follow the rules and limits that you set because they trust and respect you. And isn’t that what we really want after all?
I hope some of these ideas will help you get your kids to listen to you more! Feel free to reach out to me any time for advice, I am always here to listen and help!
