If you told me when I was pregnant with my first child that I would one day be a mother of three, I probably wouldn’t have believed it. It took me long enough to have my first child. I spent my twenties in search of that perfect partner, instead finding a long string of perfect disasters, including one very short marriage.
I was in my thirties and recently divorced by the time I met the man who would become the father of my children. By then I was starting to think that I might never have kids. Now here I am the mother of three. It’s been an amazing ride so far, and we’re just getting started.
Since my twins were born in November, I’ve noticed a lot of things that are different this time around, for better or worse. Here are the major differences I’ve spotted between having your first and second baby.
The transition with the second baby is much easier
Going from someone with no kids to becoming a parent for the first time is a major life change. I view my life as the time before kids and the time after. Nothing else defines my life more than when I became a parent. I can hardly even remember what it was like before I became a mother.
When my first daughter was born, life was turned upside down. I don’t think I could even imagine how much it would change until she was here. It wasn’t just having a baby either. It was my whole lifestyle. In the span of just a few short years, I went from being a recent divorcee living with my boyfriend in an apartment, to being married with a baby and a house.
Those first months and years with our firstborn are honestly the sweetest memories of my whole life. I miss it so much sometimes I can barely stand it. Life goes so fast and I would give anything to go back and do it all over, given the outcome would remain unchanged.
We were a family of three for five whole years before the twins were born. During that time we changed houses, suffered several miscarriages, and grew as an incredibly close and bonded family. I was naturally concerned at how the arrival of twin babies would turn our world upside down once again.
The amazing thing? It really didn’t. The transition to being the mother of one to the mother of three was a lot less dramatic than I imagined. A gradual change that started with my pregnancy, we just sort of shifted our lives to make room for the new additions.
While we are certainly a lot busier and there is less time for some of the activities we used to do before, being a bigger family has only brought all of us closer together.
You worry less (about some things)
Being an only child growing up, I was always told by my mother that I should have more than one kid. Her reasoning – if you only have one, you worry way too much about something happening to that child who is the center of your universe. It sounded reasonable enough to me. Have a second baby so that you can spread the worrying out more.
As soon as my twins were born, I found out that isn’t exactly true. Instead of worrying the same amount divided by three, I worry three times as much now. Whereas before I knew I could never live if something ever happened to my daughter, I now feel that way about all three of them.
However, I definitely find myself worrying less about the little stuff. With my firstborn, I was crazy overprotective. I was afraid for anyone to hold her lest they accidentally drop her. Going out on date nights consisted of worrying and checking in the whole time. I couldn’t sleep unless I could see and hear her breathing right next to me. The list goes on and on.
With the twins, I still did have some irrational worries at first, but they quickly subsided and I chalk them up to hormones. They are now six months old and I find myself allowing things I never thought I would before. My five-year-old daughter picks them up and carries them around quite a lot and I am honestly not that worried. I understand now that babies aren’t as fragile as they seem, especially after those first couple months.
So while I will always worry, and of course take the proper precautions to keep my kids safe – I have none of the same anxiety that I had as a first-time mom.
You Don’t Track Milestones as Much With the Second Baby
Although this comes with a certain amount of guilt – the second time around I am not as quick to take note of the exact moment when that first smile or first giggle took place. I take pictures of everything just like with my first. But I don’t find myself writing everything down, even though I did buy baby keepsake books for them.
Depending how you look at it, this isn’t all bad. Without that same pressure not to miss those important firsts, I find myself more able to relax and enjoy our time together. If I miss snapping a photo of that first smile, so what? I’ll have so many pictures of those babies smiling, we will hardly care years from now if the first one or several weren’t captured on camera.
I also don’t find myself checking on their development like I did with my first. I understand now that all babies are different and I especially see that with twins. They develop at their own place. As long as they seem healthy and happy and their doctor has no concerns, I don’t stress about it.
I do try my best to take pictures of the important things so they will have the same memories documented as their older sister had. I don’t want to deprive them of anything just because they weren’t here first. But it is kind of nice not holding myself up to that same standard of recording every little thing.
Your Relationship With Your Partner Changes
This is something that has been kind of hard although inevitable. With your first baby, you and your partner will likely grow closer as you learn to navigate your new roles as parents. You go from being a couple to a family. We were such a close little family of three. I miss those times immensely.
But life doesn’t stand still, even for the most precious of times. Having more kids means less time for lots of things, and you need to rely on that extra set of hands to care for the kids. Especially with twins!
Before we had more kids, my husband and I would do most everything together. We would take our daughter to her activities together, play with her together, do her baths and bedtime together.
Once you have more kids, you learn to divide and conquer. That means less time together as a couple. In our home, my husband might take care of our older daughter’s bath while I bathe the twins. Or he might put the babies down for their nap while I make lunch for our daughter. We make it work, but we end up having less time to be together.
Sometimes this gets to me, but in those times I look to the future. I know it won’t always be this busy, and I look forward to the times when the kids are all running around outside while my husband and I enjoy a cocktail on the patio. I know we will get there. And when we do, I’ll probably be nostalgic over the craziness of this first year with the twins!
Life Gets Hectic
This is something I knew would happen but couldn’t really grasp until I was in the thick of it.
I’ve always been a bit of a neat freak, and I have a lot of nervous energy, so I never really sit still. This worked fine before the twins came. I would always be puttering around the house, keeping it neat and tidy. My older daughter and I would do regular clean ups and organization of her toys. Spring cleaning was a real thing for me, and it didn’t have to be spring either!
I knew things would be more hectic when the twins were born, but I really had no idea how much so! It’s absolutely crazy sometimes (you can read about why having twins is hard here). My to do lists would be a mile long if I even had time to write them. I have had to learn to adapt and turn a blind eye to dust and cat hair and piles of laundry. I just do the best I can.
It’s not easy, especially for someone who is used to being on top of household chores. But there just isn’t enough time. Ever.
My husband and I have recently started spending a half hour each day to put the house in order. It helps a lot, but it’s still not anywhere near enough. I really had no idea how little time we would have for things like this.
I know this hectic lifestyle is here to stay for years to come. Eventually we will have three kids involved in activities, meeting friends, wanting to go places. But that’s something I look forward to, and I think it will definitely be worth it.
Having a second baby (or babies) will certainly change your life, but you might be surprised to find it won’t change as much as you thought. Six months in I’m finding out we feel like the same family as we did before. Just bigger, busier and happier.
