Choosing to parent your children gently and respectfully can be a wonderful decision. There are so many positives to gentle parenting that you really can’t go wrong choosing this style of parenting for your family. However, in an effort to do our best for our children, we can sometimes take things a little too far. Read on for some of the most common gentle parenting mistakes, and how to avoid them!
May contain affiliate links.
Gentle Parening Mistake #1 – Not Allowing Any Amount of Crying at Bedtime
One of the basics of gentle parenting is not letting our babies cry themselves to sleep. This certainly is important! Subjecting our children to the stress of crying uncontrollably until they finally fall into an exhausted sleep is not the best way to set our kids up with healthy sleep habits. Still, sometimes we can take things too far.
With my first child, I was adamant that I practice attachment parenting and gentle parenting exactly as outlined in the numerous books I read on the subject. And with one child, that wasn’t so hard to do. We never let our daughter cry at bedtime, not for a second. It wasn’t always easy and took a lot of time out of our day, but we were proud to give her the security of knowing we were there when she needed us.
Having twins made things a bit more difficult. While you certainly can still practice attachment parenting with twins , it’s definitely more challenging! Sometimes crying at bedtime is simply unavoidable.
One night I was putting my girl twin down to bed when her brother woke up. Knowing he was usually more difficult to get back to sleep, I took the gamble and left her alone in her crib to attend to him. She cried as I was leaving the room, but there was nothing to be done about it. Amazingly, she settled herself down after only about a minute, and was fast asleep.
My point here is this. There is a big difference between letting your babies cry themselves to sleep, and letting them cry for a minute or two to see if they can settle themselves. There is a chance your baby might be able to get themselves to sleep, and this is a wonderful thing – not just for them, but for you as well.
Mistake # 2 – Not Allowing Kids to Experience Frustration
I get it, I really do. Who wants to see their babies or kids getting upset when there is something simple we can do to fix it? Kids can get upset so easily about the simplest things. If your toddler is screaming his head off because he put his shoes on the wrong feet, you might as well help him out and save yourself from having a headache.
The problem with this is, jumping in to fix every single problem can prevent our children from learning good problem solving skills. It can also give them the idea that mom or dad will be there to fix any problem that comes up – a very unrealistic expectation especially as they get older.
Allowing our kids to experience a bit of frustration is ok, really. You can ask if they want help, even offer the solution for younger kids (such as telling your toddler to take his shoes off and try again). Just don’t rush to the rescue every time your child experiences frustration.
Gentle Parenting Mistake #3 – Not Allowing Attachments to Form with Others
This one can be hard especially for first time parents who are practicing attachment parenting. You want to do everything for your baby, and you certainly don’t want to let them cry in someone else’s arms. I totally get not wanting your baby passed around to a bunch of strangers while they cry the whole time! That’s not what I’m suggesting.
What I’m saying is to allow the people that will be part of your child’s life to take a turn caring for your baby once in awhile. This is important to build a connection for both parties. If your best friend comes to visit, let her hold the baby. If she cries, give your friend a chance to try to comfort her before taking her back (especially if she has children of her own and knows what to do). Sure, they may not do things the same way and they may not get it right the first time. Still, it’s important to let them try.
If you take the approach that only mama knows best and rush in to scoop your child away from their Grandma or Uncle at every whimper, you are preventing others from bonding with your baby. Remember, it really does take a village to raise a child, and the sooner your child learns how to form attachments to others the better, so long as it isn’t forced.
Mistake # 4 – Trying to Prevent Our Kids from Being Disappointed
Disappointment is no fun for anyone, kids and adults alike. Sometimes nothing is worse than having to see our kids be disappointed. It can be tempting to try and prevent this travesty from ever happening to our kids, or to swoop in and save the day with something even better should a disappointment occur. However, learning how to cope with disappointment is another valuable life skill that we don’t want to prevent our kids from learning.
Let’s face it, even if we wanted to, there’s no way we can prevent our kids from ever being disappointed. There are far too many factors outside our control. Even with the best laid plans, things can go awry. People get sick, it rains, cars break down, stores close. There will be many times, sad as it is, where we will have to watch this unhappy episode play out with our kids.
Sure we can swoop in and offer something to make up for it – and sometimes this is perfectly reasonable. If their favorite ice cream stand is closed, we can probably just go to another one. Other times, it won’t be so easy. In those instances, it’s best to empathize with your child and allow them to experience the feeling of disappointment. Learning to cope with uncomfortable emotions with the support of a trusted adult is one of the best life skills our kids can learn. You definitely don’t want to skip over this, as hard as it can be.
Gentle Parenting Mistake #5 – Failing to Set Firm Boundaries
Try Noggin for a 60 Day FREE Trial then just $7.99/mo* Valid 4/4 – 5/31.
Gentle parenting can often get a bad rap – especially when it comes to things like rules and boundaries. There are many people who think gentle parenting is just another term for permissive parenting. We know that isn’t true, but sometimes it can be hard for gentle parents when it comes to setting boundaries. If we’re not careful, we can make the mistake of thinking that we have to prevent our kids from ever getting upset.
The truth is, kids need to know what the limits are, whatever they may be for your family. Setting clear, consistent boundaries is important for kids to feel safe and secure (even if they would like you to think otherwise). Your kids may cry and complain, but remaining firm while being empathetic is so important to raising happy and well adjusted kids.
This doesn’t mean you have to make up arbitrary rules just for the sake of rules. Doing that wouldn’t make much sense for anyone. What it means is that you come up with the rules and boundaries that are important for your family, and stick to them! Being clear and consistent with the limits you set, while still remaining empathetic and understanding with your kids, is one of the hallmarks of the gentle parenting style.
Mistake # 6 – Being Afraid to Discipline Your Kids
Parents who practice gentle parenting have probably heard all about discipline versus punishment. It’s important that we don’t just hand out arbitrary punishments that have little to do with what happened. Instead, we strive to allow natural consequences when appropriate, and to use discipline as a teaching opportunity that will help our kids grow into caring, responsible people.
Unfortunately, this isn’t always easy. The line between discipline and punishment can sometimes be hard to define. Understandably, many parents practicing gentle parenting worry about getting this right. Sometimes, this can mean they shy away from discipline even when it is warranted.
Natural consequences can be great, and can save us from the struggle of coming up with an appropriate “punishment” for our kids. There are many times, however, where discipline is needed but there is no consequence that would arise naturally. In these instances, it really is ok to come up with a consequence on your own. As long as you try to relate it to the incident at hand, and use it as an opportunity to teach your kids why their actions were inappropriate or wrong, you’re doing it right!
Mistake #7 – Always Putting Your Needs Last
Practicing gentle parenting methods is hard work, especially in the early years. Sometimes parents can spend so much time attending to the needs of their children that they forget to practice some self care. Just because you have chosen to parent in a more gentle, respectful way does NOT mean that you are expected to be the sole source of all of your child’s needs. Part of any parenting style should be teaching your children independence and responsibility. Everyone, adults included, deserves time to take care of their own needs.
Remember, if you are not feeling your best because your needs are unmet, you aren’t presenting your best self to your kids, and you aren’t being the best role model either. Show your children that everyone in the family is of equal importance, and take care of yourself well! You children really don’t need every second of your time and every ounce of your energy. It’s important to save some of that for yourself. Don’t feel guilty about it!
Gentle Parenting Mistake #8 – Confusing the Relationship With Your Child
As gentle, respectful parents, we focus on teamwork and problem solving, and value every member of the family equally. Sometimes it can seem like we aren’t parents at all, but simply mediators and coaches. Of course this isn’t true. It’s important to remember that no matter what, we are the parents and the ones ultimately responsible for our children.
Sure, it’s great to involve our kids in some decision making, especially when they are directly involved. It’s wonderful for parents to respect children’s rights and treat them as whole people. It’s important that we trust our children to make decisions for themselves, especially when it comes to bodily autonomy. We can be friends with our kids while still maintaining a clear parent/child relationship.
If you find yourself feeling like you are no longer acting as the parent to your kids, it’s time to take a step back. Make sure you have some clear boundaries in your home, and don’t be afraid to enforce them. All kids need a little structure in their lives, and it’s your job as the parent to create that structure for them.
Hopefully this list of common gentle parenting mistakes will help you in your journey as a gentle parent. We all make mistakes, but knowing how to avoid some will certainly make life easier!
