Since I became a mom, there have been many times where my parenting choices have been challenged. The way I raise my children has rubbed some people the wrong way, especially with my parents’ generation. Even with my peers, I’m not likely to make a lot of mom friends at the playground. For my kids, it’s worth it. I won’t submit to peer pressure when it comes to parenting. Here are 6 bad parenting practices that really need to stop.
Bad Parenting Practice # 1 – Ignoring Body Autonomy
From very early on I have been teaching my daughter about the importance of consent. Her body belongs to her. Period. She doesn’t have to be kissed or touched or tickled if she doesn’t want to be. She has the right to say no, and she should expect others to stop if she says so. Whether it offends someone or not, she will never have to give a hug or kiss if she doesn’t want to.
Perhaps my persistence with this stems from my own childhood. Some of the members of my extended family weren’t the most affectionate, but I was still made to hug or kiss them goodbye whenever we went visiting. I absolutely hated it and I couldn’t understand why I was forced to go give Grandpa a hug when my mother wouldn’t even do it.
That was certainly a long time ago, but I still see parents and grandparents today acting the same way. I know many people tend to parent the way they were raised, and perhaps there isn’t much harm in letting some relative that has seen your kids twice in their lives plant a big kiss on them as they try to squirm away. But I’m looking at the bigger picture. I want my children to know that they are the boss when it comes to their body. What kind of message does it send to kids when they are forced to hug, kiss or hold hands without their consent? Do we really want kids growing up thinking that they have no power to say no?
I’m certainly not trying to hurt anyone’s feelings, but I will never force my children to do anything that makes them uncomfortable, especially when it comes to their bodies. Ignoring the importance of body autonomy is a bad parenting practice that just has to stop.
Read my full post on this subject – How to Support Your Child’s Right to Bodily Autonomy
Forcing Manners
This common parenting practice really drives me nuts. My shunning of it can get me some dirty looks at the playground. Although I’m sure most parents do this with good intentions, I can’t stand hearing manners being forced on children.
I can’t count the number of times I have heard a parent say “what do you say?”, “what’s the magic word?”, “say you’re sorry,” “apologize,” “say thank you” and the list goes on. It’s usually done in a condescending sounding sing-song sort of voice. And I’ve yet to see a child who looks happy being forced to say these things at the prompting of their parent.
I’m not saying manners aren’t important. In fact, I think they’re super important. I just can’t see the value in forcing them.
When someone gives my child a gift and my kid is being shy, I say “thank you” for her. When my daughter has done something wrong, I don’t need her to say “sorry” – I just want her to care. And I certainly don’t need to hear “please” in order to do something for her. If she asks me nicely, “please” is implied. If she asks in a rude way, “please” isn’t going to make it better.
The funny thing is, children will learn manners anyway as long as we model them appropriately. I never once forced manners with my daughter, yet she says “please”, “thank you” and “sorry” just the same. What’s important here is that when she says these things, she means them. It makes me feel so good when I give my daughter a little surprise and she responds with a genuine “thank you Mommy!”
We need to stop forcing kids to say certain words just to make adults feel better. The manners are fine, but it’s the intention and not the words that count.
You can check out my post “How to Teach Good Manners to Kids Without Forcing Them” for more on this subject.
Bad Parenting Practice #3 – Forcing Children to Eat
When I was growing up, my parents were divorced. For the most part, their rules were similar. But there was one rule that was totally different at my Dad’s house. When we had dinner, I was expected to clean my plate, even if I didn’t like what was on it, or wasn’t hungry enough to finish it.
I get it now, somewhat. My Dad grew up in a family who didn’t have a lot. It wasn’t meant to punish me or be mean. Still, it was hard for me to just stuff my face in one sitting.
Eventually my parents talked and this practice ended.
At home on the other hand, my Italian side of the family had their own methods to try to “fatten me up.” I was offered any kind of food any time I wanted it, usually much more than I could ever eat. The difference? I was never forced to finish anything.
So for my kids, they can eat when they are hungry. They don’t need to finish their dinner, especially if they don’t like it. We provide mostly healthy snacks and meals, but we don’t eliminate the other stuff entirely either. We don’t restrict food, so that food in itself doesn’t become anything more than, well, food.
It pains me when I hear parents telling their kids to take “just one more bite” or promising dessert if they finish all their dinner. These practices, in my opinion, are setting kids up for a lifetime struggle with food.
Of course I believe in teaching our children healthy eating habits, and I’m not into wasting food. I just don’t understand why so many parents get controlling when it comes to eating. Forcing kids to “clean their plates” has got to stop.
Shaming
Shaming of my kids in any way will never be tolerated. I am not sure how this bad parenting practice was ever popular, but I see it everywhere. Parents and other grown ups making kids feel bad about themselves for all sorts of reasons. Bad grades, potty accidents, spilling or breaking something. Many things that it’s perfectly fine for adults to do.
In my house, there are no “bad” kids. Nobody is ever “naughty,” and you certainly won’t hear me using Santa or some other figure as a means of coercion. How can I get mad at my children for something that could happen to anyone? I drop and spill things all the time. I break things by accident. The other day I started a fire by carelessly leaving a cardboard box on the stove.
I am human. So are children. So why do so many adults expect them to be perfect?
If your elderly Grandma came over and had a bathroom accident, would you make a big deal about it in front of her? Most likely you would be discreet and help her preserve her dignity. We should be treating children the same way. The practice of shaming children needs to end.
#5 – Bribing Children to “Behave”
Recently I was in Costco alone with my daughter when she had a total meltdown. It was embarrassing, sure. I avoided eye contact with everyone who passed by, certain that I was being judged while I tried to calm my child down.
Then a young mom came over to me and said “when this happens with my daughter, I tell her I’ll buy her some candy if she stops.”
I know this mother meant well and was trying to help, but I was really surprised. Did I want my daughter to learn that she only has to follow the rules if there’s something in it for her? Was I so desperate to save face in the store that I would resort to a quick fix that would only set us up for failure in the future?
This bad parenting practice may get quick results in the short term, but eventually it will only teach children the wrong values. They shouldn’t expect a reward for doing the right thing. There is a phrase that was popular in my corporate job relating to integrity – “do the right things for the right reasons.” This is the value I want to pass on to my offspring. Bribing just won’t send the right message.
Not Accepting Children for Who They Are Now
I will accept and love my children no matter what. This isn’t something I have to work at – it couldn’t be more simple. What I don’t understand is how it seems so hard for others, especially older generations.
I’m not even talking about the big things here, although of course I will accept my child no matter what their sexual orientation or choice of a partner might be down the road.
The thing is, we need to accept children for who they are now. We should want them to be who they are, and become who they are meant to be, without our interference. We should guide them on their way, and do our best to impart good values without the desire to change or influence who they are.
For some reason, so many adults don’t get this. Parents are always trying to influence the choices of their children, no matter how subtly. Suggesting their activities, picking their clothes, suggesting which toy or book they should choose at the store. Why can’t we just sit back and wait to see what our children will choose?
I hope my acceptance of my children for exactly who they are will not only help them develop a healthy sense of self as they grow, but also to accept others for who they are too. In these trying times, the value of acceptance cannot be understated. We need to end the practice of trying to mold our children into miniature versions of ourselves.
Even though my opinions are often unpopular, I won’t budge. Sometimes that means I might lose a friend or two. These are my kids we’re talking about, and for them, I’m willing to take that risk.
