Tantrums and toddlers – they go together like pickles and pregnancy. They don’t even stop when kids reach “pre-school” age. Young children are learning how to handle difficult feelings. Often this results in what many adults call a toddler tantrum or meltdown. This can make many parents wonder how to deal with tantrums in toddlers.
Children’s big emotions can sometimes be tough for parents to deal with, especially in public. Today I am sharing 5 tips that can help when trying to deal with tantrums in toddlers.
If you prefer the video version – click below for my video on YouTube:
Disclaimer – For the purpose of this article, I will refer to the time when a child is upset to the point of being overwhelmed by their emotions as a “tantrum” or “meltdown.” However, I feel these terms are rather disrespectful towards children. I mean no harm in using these terms and merely include them in an attempt to reach and help more people who are likely looking for advice in dealing with what they call a tantrum.
Get Down On the Ground
I mean this one literally. It can be really scary for a child to see an adult towering over them. If that adult happens to be upset or angry, this is especially true. Sitting or kneeling on the ground allows you to be on the same level with your child. When dealing with toddler tantrums, this is the first thing you should do!
Not only will this help your toddler to feel more calm and able to settle down, but it will also help you to calm down if you are starting to lose your patience. Let’s face it, tantrums can be frustrating to deal with. Somehow it’s just easier to empathize with your child when you’re down on their level. It makes it more likely that you will approach your child in a comforting manner, rather than a confrontational one.
If you haven’t tried this one yet, you may be surprised to see the difference this simple act can make in the midst of a toddler tantrum. Sometimes we just need a new perspective.
Don’t Try to Have a Talk With Your Toddler During a Tantrum
It’s already difficult for a toddler or young child to understand all the complicated ways that adults speak to them. When your toddler is having a tantrum, they are likely not going to be processing most of what you’re saying. Trying to reason with a toddler who is overwhelmed by their emotions will only add fuel to the fire. When your toddler or young child is really upset, the less words you say the better.
This doesn’t mean that you can’t have a talk about whatever happened to upset your toddler. It just means you need to wait until they have had a chance to calm down first. Once your child is calm, it will be easier for them to listen and make sense of your words. Your toddler will also be better able to express their thoughts and feelings to you. This is no different with children as it is with adults – when something difficult needs to be discussed, it’s best to do so calmly.
It might be hard to hold your tongue, but really try to resist the urge to argue with or lecture your child in the midst of a tantrum. It will help them to feel more at ease and able to get a handle on their emotions if you can just keep quiet. This is one of the best ways I have found for parents to deal with toddler tantrums.
This isn’t to say you should ignore your child. Let them know you hear them, let them know you are there. Sit with them on the ground and wait it out. If your child asks you a question, answer as simply as you can. If you can’t answer in a few words, let them know you will talk about it once they are feeling less upset.
How to Deal With Toddler Tantrums – Look For the Root Cause
Most likely, your toddler isn’t having a tantrum or meltdown simply because you said “no” to a third cookie before dinner. More often than not, some underlying factor is contributing to their inability to handle their emotions. The tantrum comes about when one small thing tips the balance. I find that most of the time this is caused by tiredness. That could be because they got to bed late the night before or woke up too early. It also could be because they are due for a nap, or woke up too early from one.
If lack of sleep isn’t the culprit, other common causes for tantrums are hunger, illness, stress or a change in routine.
Even if you can’t identify the exact underlying cause of your child’s angst, being aware of this can still help. Understanding that they likely have a more basic reason for being upset than the issue at hand can help you to empathize with your child and ultimately handle the situation in a more calm manner. After all, aren’t adults more quick to snap when something bigger is bothering them? It’s no different with children.
Understanding these root causes can also help deal with tantrums in toddlers by preventing some of those tantrums in the first place. Even though toddlers and young children will still have times where they just can’t handle their emotions – doing your best to make sure their basic needs are met will certainly lessen the frequency and intensity of their tantrums.
Don’t Allow Your Emotions to Get the Best of You
If you know me or have read some of my other blog posts (such as this one with some helpful advice for new parents), this might be obvious – but it’s really important not to get upset yourself. Your toddler isn’t being “bad” by having a tantrum, even if their tantrum did stem from something they might have done wrong. If you want to help your child to calm down, you must remain calm yourself.
This isn’t always easy, especially if your toddler has a way of pushing your buttons, which is often the case. This is even more likely as your kids get older. Still, I can’t stress the importance of it enough – even if you have to fake it. If you allow yourself to get upset, you will only be fanning the flames of your child’s meltdown, and the longer it will take until everyone is calm and happy again.
This means no yelling, no raising your voice, no stern or condescending tone. Don’t allow yourself to be offended by what your child may do or say – it most likely is not personal. Watch your body language as well, and present an open and comforting posture rather than one of anger or frustration. It can be so hard for parents to deal with toddler tantrums. I get it, we have all been there. Practicing controlling our own emotions is really key to helping lessen tantrums and meltdowns as your children grow.
Your child needs to be able to trust you with their emotions. They should feel safe to express their feelings around you without the fear of reprisal. If you give your toddler a safe place to express themselves and feel how they feel without judgement, it will help them to trust you with bigger issues as they get older. This is so so important!
Allow the Tantrum to Run Its Course
By this I mean, don’t try to interfere. In my experience, it’s best to allow your child to feel the way they feel and come out the other side. This is what will set the stage for healthy emotional development down the road. If you attempt to “do” something to calm them down before they are ready, it will send the wrong message. Don’t try to distract them or offer to do something to make it better. Definitely don’t give in to a demand that you had previously said “no” to. These tactics will do nothing to help your toddler learn to manage their emotions.
I’m not saying don’t help your kid. If they want comfort, hold them or hug them. If they have an immediate need, take care of it. However, no matter what caused the tantrum to start, your child should be allowed to feel the full range of their emotions. You don’t need to try to fix it for them, you just need to be there to support and offer comfort if needed. The only bandaid you should apply is a literal one. I know it can be uncomfortable and upsetting to hear your child scream or cry, but it is healthy to allow them to.
I have found that by allowing the tantrum to run its course, your toddler will come out on the other side that much more able to handle big emotions, while learning the valuable lesson that a tantrum in itself will not “get” them what they want.
Remember, adults aren’t always able to handle their emotions either. We yell, we cry, we scream. We can’t expect anything more of our children than we expect of ourselves. As a society, we must show our children kindness, empathy, and forgiveness, especially in those times when it’s hardest to do so.
Hopefully these tips can help you the next time you find yourself dealing with a toddler tantrum!
