When you have your first baby, discipline is probably the furthest thing from your mind. Babies can sure be difficult to take care of when you’re a new parent, but they certainly don’t need to be disciplined. Time flies, and soon you have a toddler on your hands, most likely a toddler who won’t listen. This is when many parents start to think about how to discipline a toddler. Today I am here to explain how to discipline a toddler without any punishment!
Toddler Discipline – First Things First
Before we get into ways that you can discipline your toddler without punishing them, let’s talk about the things toddlers should be disciplined for. We need to make sure that we are setting appropriate expectations based on the child’s age. Toddlers and very young children often have trouble managing their emotions, especially when they are tired or hungry. If you want to learn ways to properly discipline a toddler, you need to make sure you are correcting the right behaviors.
What I mean by this is that, we have to look at the action or behavior that we want to correct. This may be something such as your toddler throwing things or hitting, or maybe being rough with other children or pets. We don’t want to focus on correcting the RESULT of the action, such as a tantrum that might develop when you say “no” or remove them from a situation. If your goal is to raise well behaved children, you need to allow all emotions to be expressed.
Tantrums in themselves are not a child misbehaving. If you need advice on how to handle a toddler tantrum – please read my related article on toddler tantrums.
You can also check out my YouTube video:
Why Time Outs Don’t Work
Time outs are a form of toddler punishment that I don’t advise. I know many many parents believe in this type of discipline for toddlers who are misbehaving or not listening, but it just doesn’t work. At least it won’t in the long run. If you want to discipline a toddler the right way then you need to forget about the idea of punishment. Positive discipline really is so much better.
This is of course dependent on how you view discipline “working.” For my family, this means that my kids are connected to me, trust me, follow my rules because they want to, and understand the values that I want to teach. They don’t listen to me out of fear of punishment.
What’s the difference? Well for one, I don’t have to yell to get my point across. I don’t have to use threats, bribes or any type of coercion. My kids listen to me because they honestly want to do the right thing and they believe that what I tell them is right! Although you can change the way you parent at any time and still get results – starting positive parenting when they are small is certainly easier!
Do you have a toddler who loves to climb? Check out my recent post on Climbing Toys for Toddlers – 2021 Guide.
What Happens Instead
Time outs don’t do any of this. Let’s think about the scenario of a parent putting their toddler in a time out. Let’s say the child keeps throwing blocks at a window. The parent asks the child to stop but the child keeps on throwing the blocks. The parent starts to get frustrated. They make threats of what will happen if the kid keeps it up (most likely a time out). The parent is starting to get angry, possibly “counting” to some arbitrary number at which point the punishment will be carried out. Finally the parent takes the child, who at this point might start to scream, and puts them in a “time out.”
Now what? Some parents have a time limit, others have a requirement such as an apology for their child to be released from the time out. When all is said and done, what did the child learn? Most likely they learned that a time out is a punishment for bad behavior. They learned if they do that behavior again, they will be sent to isolation for a certain amount of time and then they can go about their day. Does this really sound that bad? Not to me. Nothing was learned here. Perhaps the child also lost their blocks for a certain number of days.
Furthermore, if your toddler is on the younger side, they probably have no idea what’s going on at all. Putting a very young toddler in a time out is almost silly.
My point is that a “time out” is one of many arbitrary punishments that really have nothing to do with the behavior that you are trying to correct. Most likely your child is throwing a tantrum in isolation until the time is up, or until they are forced to do something, such as apologize, that they might not have wanted to do on their own. The child is labelled as “bad” and the actual behavior is not corrected.
How to Discipline a Toddler – Why Spanking Won’t Work Either
Again, if your goal as a parent is to get your kids to listen and obey no matter what, then this might actually work for you. If your goal is rather to teach your children right from wrong and to raise them with good values and a trusting relationship with you, then this is one of the worst things you can do.
I know what many of you might be thinking. What about a little slap on the hand or pat on the butt? That certainly won’t hurt them. This is probably true. But what will it teach them? That physical punishment is ok? That they can do this to others that are misbehaving? I talk about this a lot, but modeling the behavior that you want to see is probably the #1 way to get your children to behave the way you hope. Our children learn so much from us, more than you probably think. You know the old phrase, “do as I say, not as I do.” You cannot expect a child to act in a way that you yourself contradict with your own actions.
So if you don’t want your kids to hit you or others, don’t hit them. Simple as that. Besides, just as with a time out, this type of punishment does nothing to correct the actual behavior.
How Do You Discipline a Toddler Without Punishment?
So if you don’t hit them , don’t yell and make threats, don’t put them in time out, how do you discipline a toddler? Well I’m glad you asked!
Number one, remember you are your child’s first and most important role model. They see everything you do and they want to be just like you. If you see them doing something you don’t like, think about if this is something you might do yourself. Why do you think kids always want to play with remotes and phones and kitchen utensils? They see us using these things!
Make sure older kids understand this concept as well. If there is something you allow your older kids to do that the younger ones aren’t allowed to do, consider ways to allow this without the little ones trying to copy their older siblings.
Focus on the Positive
This is so true for life in general! If your toddler is doing things you don’t want them to do, try showing them things they CAN do. Show them how to play with their toys the way you want them to, or where you want them to. Show them how to pet the dog nicely, and how to touch others in a gentle way. If you see them pouring milk on the floor and making a mess with it, set up some sensory play that you don’t mind them doing, or bring them outside to do it.
Remember that toddlers are really too young to be doing things in a manipulative way. They throw things because it’s fun and they like the sound it makes. They make a mess with their food because they love sensory play. Sometimes they scream because they are learning all the wonderful sounds their voices can make. They try to climb things because they are learning what they can do with their bodies. The list goes on and on. Young children and toddlers really aren’t setting out to make mom and dad angry!
Toddlers also have a short attention span and poor impulse control. They might know they aren’t supposed to touch the television but that doesn’t mean they won’t keep trying. Your kids aren’t doing this to make you mad or to be “bad” kids – they just really want to touch it!
Toddler Discipline – Redirection
One thing you can do when you catch your toddler in an activity you don’t want them engaging in is to redirect them. If you see them trying to touch an outlet or tip a lamp over, say “no” or “don’t touch” and then redirect them to a toy or activity that they can do. Especially for really young toddlers, this form of positive discipline may be all you really need.
Much of how we discipline toddlers involves keeping them from unsafe activities. This is when redirection works so well. If we continue to show them the activities that are safe for them to do while removing them from the unsafe ones, they will eventually give up trying the activity. Remember their attention spans are short and they will soon tire of whatever was causing the issue.
Natural Consequences
This is a positive parenting concept that really helps once your kids are old enough to understand the consequences of their actions. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t natural consequences for the actions your toddlers take as well!
No, I don’t mean allowing your child to get hurt because they keep trying to climb the bookshelf. Obviously safety is our number one priority. However, consequences still have a place in toddler discipline. Sometimes it helps to think how you would treat a peer if you were in the same situation.
For instance, often lately I will be holding my toddler when they start slapping my face or pulling my hair. I don’t like it. I tell them no, that hurts, etc. But if they don’t stop I just put them down.
This isn’t a punishment by any means. It is a natural reaction. I am holding my toddler and it is causing me pain. By putting the child down, the pain stops. By the same token, my child gets the impression, however small, that their actions are the reason they are no longer being held. They like being held. Even though they are small, they do pick up on this type of thing.
It’s up to you as a parent how far you let this kind of thing go. I know some parents will allow their child to get a scratch from the cat or a burn on the stove to teach their children. I am not necessarily advocating this, but to a lesser degree, this type of discipline makes sense. Sometimes stepping back and allowing things to happen naturally is the best action to take.
There will be many times when a natural consequence doesn’t necessarily flow from the behavior. In those times I suggest trying your best to come up with a consequence that makes sense in order to discipline your toddler. Again, this is not supposed to be a punishment. Remember punishments are often arbitrary and are usually used as threats to prevent unwanted behaviors. This is different than consequences.
For example – let’s say your toddler keeps opening their cup and pouring it’s contents on the floor. Some parents might start making threats to get the child to stop. I suggest you take the milk away. This is not a punishment – it is simply a way to stop the unwanted behavior. You could also find a cup that can’t be opened or spilled. Instead of yelling and trying to get a toddler to stop doing something – make it so they can’t.
Consequences Not Punishments
I know it can be hard to distinguish the two, but consequences are not necessarily punishments. It’s important as a positive and respectful parent to really understand the difference. It will make disciplining your toddler so much simpler.
Think of it like this – a punishment is an arbitrary consequence. A punishment has nothing to do with the unwanted behavior. A punishment is something like telling your child they can’t have any dessert because they pulled the cat’s tail. It just doesn’t make any sense.
A consequence, on the other hand, makes sense. Telling your toddler they can’t pet the kitty anymore until they learn to be gentle would be an appropriate consequence for pulling its tail. Sometimes there really is no consequence. In those times, just talk it out. If you ask my daughter, sometimes TALKING is the consequence (although she might tell you it’s a punishment!)
How to Discipline Your Toddler – Don’t Ever Bribe Them
I really can’t stress this one enough – don’t ever resort to bribes! It may seem easier in the moment, but it will surely backfire.
If your toddler is throwing a fit in the grocery store, you might be tempted to offer a treat on the way home if they settle down. If your child is screaming that they don’t want to go to bed, you might allow them to take a tablet to bed and watch a TV show. Bending or breaking your own rules when your toddler is behaving in a way that you don’t like will only reinforce the behavior.
Think about it this way. If your child learns that throwing a tantrum in the store gets them a treat, or that refusing to go to bed on time gets them screen time before bed – why wouldn’t they continue to do that? Bribes create a cycle of bad behavior and reward that you do not want to create if you are hoping to have well behaved kids.
Don’t Make Empty Threats
This is another rule for parents that is so so important! Don’t ever threaten something unless you intend to follow through. You child will quickly learn that you don’t really mean it and then you will find yourself making bigger and bigger threats. If and when you eventually do carry out a threat, you are likely to see the biggest meltdown ever!
As I stated above, I don’t believe in punishments. Threats usually refer to some punishment that will happen if the unwanted behavior doesn’t stop. If you are going to threaten anything, make sure it is a consequence that makes sense and follow through.
This doesn’t mean you can’t mention the possible consequence for their actions. As I said before, framing things in the positive always works so much better. Instead of saying “if you throw that toy again I’m taking it away” say “you won’t be able to continue playing with that toy if you keep throwing it.” You are saying the same thing, but by flipping your statement around it sounds much more pleasant, and your toddler is much more likely to respond positively. And by all means, take the toy if your child continues to ignore you!
Discipline for Toddlers – Setting Boundaries
Positive discipline for toddlers is all about making it so you don’t ever need to resort to punishments. One way to make this easier is to set clear boundaries. Unlike arbitrary rules, boundaries are the rules and values that are most important to you in your home and lives. Think about this really carefully and decide which boundaries you want to enforce. This could be things like safety (such as never allowing a child to touch an outlet or stove) and behavior (such as not allowing your child to put their hands on others without permission).
Set clear boundaries and make sure you child understands them to the best of their ability. After all, you can’t really get mad at your toddler for doing something they didn’t know was against the rules. The more clearly you define the rules and boundaries for your family, the better your relationship with your toddler will be. And even though I don’t believe in punishments – maintaining appropriate boundaries is super important. Believe it or not, children actually need rules for their own sense of happiness and security. Don’t be afraid to set clear boundaries and expect your children to follow the rules!
Don’t Be Afraid of Tantrums
As I have said before, toddlers and young children have a hard time learning how to manage their emotions. If you say “no” to something or take something away that they shouldn’t have, they will naturally get upset. This is ok! Even if you are in public, this is still ok!
It’s really important to allow your child to express their frustrations in a healthy way. The tantrum isn’t the problem. You should be able to enforce your rules consistently without any fear of your child’s reaction. When you are learning how to discipline a toddler, you are going to experience tantrums and meltdowns when things don’t go the way your toddler wanted. This is especially true if they are hungry or tired. Be prepared for the reaction and allow it to happen.
Punishing a child for having a negative reaction is never a good idea. Support your child through their tantrum. Do not give in and resort to bribery or changing your mind on something you said no to (with exception – sometimes we actually are wrong and it’s ok to change your mind if you realize this).
My point is that the tantrum is ok. Children are going to get upset when they can’t have or do what they want, even when it is in their best interest. Allow your toddler or young child to express themselves and feel their full range of emotions. Empathize with them. Tell them you get it, it’s not fun to have to leave the playground or to stop playing with a toy that they were being destructive with. Just don’t allow hitting or violence.
For more on how to handle tantrums, check out my related article!
Set Your Toddler Up for Success
One of the most important things that you as the parent can do when learning to discipline your toddler without punishment is to set them up for success! This means trying your best not to let your child get hungry, over tired or overstimulated. It also means managing expectations and helping your child understand what behavior is expected in every situation beforehand.
You also must understand that some days are easier than others. Adults have grumpy days and lazy days and children are no different. Remember never to expect more from your child than you do of yourself or other adults.
If you know your child gets upset when leaving the park or somewhere fun, make sure to give them plenty of notice before it’s time to leave. Remind them several times, and explain that “when we leave, we will walk calmly to the car” or whatever your expectation is. Repetition is key. This is true in every situation, especially new situations. Help your child to really understand what you expect, and include yourself too! Saying “we” works so much better than “you.”
Setting them up for success also means removing temptations. Toddler proof your home as best you can. Remove any off limits or breakable items until they are older. Provide plenty of safe and fun activities for your toddler to engage in. Spend more time telling them what TO do and less telling them what NOT to do. This makes kids so much happier rather than always being on the defensive.
I hope some of these ideas help! You really can discipline your toddler without punishment!
